I realized that there are few people in my life that I can’t live without. There are those who I can’t live without seeing, being with day in day out — like my husband. If he’s not around, I’m lonely. No one can fill that void when he’s away.
Then of course there is family — which is something I won’t dive into, b/c it’s an obvious need for me.
My friends – if I had to list those who I cannot live without, I could count them all on one hand. It’s not a day-to-day physical presence that I crave. It’s more this feeling I have to be invested in their life.
I need to know what’s going on. How they are. I care about them. More than I’ve cared about friends when I was younger. This is more genuine. A love. And what is amazing about these friends I’m referring to is that they are all genuinely really good people. Not the happy-go-lucky-annoying-jolly-people though. They have never been malicious to me in anyway. They have never displayed that jealousy or resentfulness for my happiness, and I have never felt that for them. There are those ppl that thrive off the unhappiness of others and will befriend ppl just to fulfill that need. I see it all too much.
I HATE talking on the phone and have relied mostly on the internet to keep in touch with these friends, even though some live in the same state as me. There is one friend who calls me… she is always making the effort to reach out via phone. She’ll call me even though I don’t call her. She is not the kind of person that won’t try if I don’t. I’ve never had friends who continually try. I miss it when she doesn’t call. I know the phone works both ways … but I usually just follow up with an email –> if you’re reading this, don’t take it personally!
I admit to being one of those ppl who was friends with someone then realized that I was the only one making the effort, and eventually I just didn’t understand where the benefit lie. The person was super nice and friendly, but would never plan anything. I was always inviting her. She was always a willing participant, but it was me me me reaching out to keep any sort of contact. I was being nice. I will always be nice to her. She is still a very nice acquaintance, yet someone I could live without.
There are other acquaintances of mine , that will expect me to go above and beyond in my life to make time for theirs. If I’m busy one day, and they are planning a party, and I can’t make it — they will suggest that I move things around in my life to make time for their thing. And it’s not in a joking manner, it’s serious. They actually believe that their life event is more important than mine. But I’m the kind of person, that if I commit to an event, I will attend, regardless of what the other thing is about. I am a plan ahead kind of person.
Speaking of planning ahead, I have some friends who plan WAY in advance b/c they want the confirmation first … but with those things, I don’t commit right away. I know what the intention is from them and if I committed to all their events just b/c they were first. I’d be seeing them more than I see my family. I’m sorry but committing to something 3-4 months in advance is a little too ahead for me. Unless it’s a vacation or holiday.
I have had a friend tell me … “well I told you about my party first.” and get mad at me when I said I couldn’t make it. It’s unfortunate that these ppl are willing to put the friendship on the line when 1 party is missed. To me, that is not a true friendship. I don’t work well with overly sensitive people like that. B/c if I do everything in my power to please them, I will eventually become resentful when they don’t do the same for me. It’s happened. They expect it all from me, yet won’t budge if I have a similar request/issue.
I am forgiving for the most part. If someone says they’ll make it and then backs out for any reason the week before or so, I’m okay with it. And I won’t even question the WHY. But if someone backs out last minute (the day before or the day of), I do admit to being a little pissy about it. I don’t let it affect my friendship, it’s moreso that I’m a control freak and like being able to plan ahead. So when the plan gets altered, my anxiety rises. I don’t get mad at the person, but internally my brain just has to readjust. It sounds sooo stupid, but that’s my brain. I try not to take things TOO personally. I’m lucky in that I don’t easily hold a grudge. At least not for long. 
My close friends that I LOVE have changed over the past few years. I’ve had some that have been there for me during really tough times, but not there for me during the good celebratory times (like now, during this pregnancy). I don’t know if it has to do with something positive going on in my life, as opposed to something negative.
It’s strange. I mean, I always hear about ppl with friends who are there for them through the good times, but run away during the bad. For me it’s the opposite.
I feel a friendship should just fit. The personalities should just mesh well. Maintaining the like/love/care should just work and be natural. And with this handful of ppl in my life, it is.
If I were to list my friends (The A’s) right now. They would be happy. I’m sure. Likewise, if I were to add any acquaintances (The B’s) to the list, I’m sure they would be happy too.
Let’s say I did a little test. I listed some names from The A’s, but left some off. The A’s on the list would be happy and well the A’s not on the list may feel a little hurt at first, but then just think, okay, I understand. I won’t take it personally, I still enjoy her company and it won’t affect our relationship.
I have actually read blog posts from friends who have listed their close friends, and while I thought I was deserving to be on the list, I wasn’t. I was a little hurt at first, but I get it. I am friends with ppl, and feel I am close to them, yet they may not feel as close to me. I may consider someone one of my best friends, yet they consider someone else their best friend. I’m okay with that…I think it can work that way!
The B’s are another story. They are obviously not on the list, and would probably take it a little differently. They would be hurt and probably would pull away from me a little. Almost because they EXPECT to be on the list. And because they weren’t, they think what is the point then.
Does this make sense to anyone out there?
Here’s a hypothetical exercise…
- Off the top of your head think of all your friends. Then seperate the list into 2 columns. The A’s and the B’s.
- Who couldn’t you live without and who could you live without?
- Do you notice that the A’s all have similar personalities or do they not?
- Is their personality like yours or different from yours and is that what makes you mesh well?
I used to have a lot of friends close to me that were like The B’s… their personalities were different than mine in the way that we complimented each other. They filled in the gaps where I lacked strengths and vice versa. Now, it’s changed. The people in my life, I feel, are more like me than anything. Not exactly and yes we still do compliment each other. But not to the extreme of The B’s.
Ahhh, I’m feeling soooo much love today.
