I have so much love for the girls that I am terrified. Terrified of something bad happening.
I worry so much about Summer and her choking issues. Today it happened again. Not during a feeding or anything. She was just sitting in my arms and I looked at her and she was red and choking. She wasn’t making any noise b/c she couldn’t breathe. So I took her, flipped her over and faced her down and hit her back so hard… Eventually some spitup came up … and she was back to her normal color.
I started crying right after b/c I just think — what if — what if I hadn’t looked down at her at that very moment?? After that I didn’t want to let go of her. I don’t want to not have her in my sight.
Lately I’ve been having these nightmares of the girls walking down the hallway headed toward the staircase and I scoop them up just in time, or someone comes in our house and tries to kidnap them.
I know I have anxiety about this parenting thing, but I just love these girls so much I don’t want anything bad to happen to them, and my fear is that I KNOW I can’t control everything. I hate that.
Slowly I’m learning to step away from them while they nap, and I’m learning that is okay to go to the bathroom without bringing both of them with me.
My mom spent the weekend here to help TH and I recover and get some sleep. The first night, I was up multiple times and hour to check in on them. I couldn’t step away knowing they were okay and in good hands. I had to see for myself. Plus the girls were a little cranky and every little noise made me worry.
The 2nd night was a little easier. I only got up 2 or 3 x’s to check in on them, and they slept better that night too… less noise meant less of me getting up and sneaking in on my mom and the girls.
Emotionally, I’m trying to stabilize myself. My hormones are not back to normal just yet. I remember just sitting in my living room with the girls and I started crying b/c I couldn’t believe they are here and they are mine. I am sooo happy, yet I’m soooo scared. I want to be the best mom.
Anyway, on a lighter note. The girls had their first bath last night. Summer screamed so loud it made my body hurt. Kara cried during hers too but not as loud…
Here is a pic of the 4 of us afterwards. They were so sleepy.
It is 100% normal to have these fears. I think every mom does and you have a double dose. As they get bigger your fears change but you never stop worrying about them.
Your doing a great job! Keep up the good work and try to relax
aw, I think that’s pretty normal to be terrified like that. i hear it never ever goes away. enjoy.
if it makes you feel better, you look really good for someone who recently gave birth to twins
I expected a picture with like you’re hair all crazy and spit up all over the place, lol
Oh honey you were so calm during the pregnancy and now all the anxiety is flooding in. You will be fine as well as the girls I know it. I think your fears are normal for any first time mom. That is generally why parents have more cause they can relax on the other kids hence the baby of the family gets the most freedom. Everything is in perfect order even if something not so cool happens everything happens for a reason and you are cared for. Look at my life; I have always been taken care of and been blessed even if other people might not call certain things blessings and I learn from everything. Hey I met you at the right perfect time. Your life has been blessed with meeting TH at the right time in your life for support and love and the gift you have given each other are the girls. These are girls are just teaching you life is an adventure and trust that in the end all will work it self out. You have all my love and support. Kiss the girls for me! xoxo
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